Hanging on by a hair.
Anxiety boiling up inside me, how dare I be spoken to like that. How quickly trust can be lost. I tried counting my breathing, but I could feel my lunch rising at the back of my throat, and I was starting to sweat and shake. This was the first time since I got Alfi that I was heading towards a full blown panic attack in a public place. I’d be damned if I was going to have it here though, I packed up my things asked for my car keys and went to leave. Well the sulking stopped long enough for another snide remark and then the comment they would catch a taxi home.
So a minute away from a full on panic attack I am now driverless to get home. A problem since I fall asleep at the wheel… frequently, and I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was crying before I got to the car and I totally lost it for about five minutes once I got in the car, but I wasn’t staying there no matter what state I was in, and I was in a state… I ended up at the small off leash park, not far from the Murray Bridge Hospital. I sat there till I could pull myself together, throwing the ball for Alfi, cuddling Alfi, and wishing I was dead.
I’ve been doing that a whole lot lately. I’m on a new antidepressant now and it is definitely helping, but it’s early days in the changeover and I’m still not feeling real stable yet. I definitely didn’t need this to happen. Now everything is up in the air, I don’t know how I will get to any of my appointments that are in Adelaide. I don’t know if I am overreacting… I feel so trapped and isolated here. There is no public transport from home, so it’s risk driving or do nothing and stay trapped.
I can certainly understand the desire to imagine life as all pretty flowers, rainbows and unicorns, but reality just doesn’t work that way, and my atheism and scepticism are important parts of me that I am proud of and I won’t suppress them. Thinking critically about things in life is probably the only way I’ve managed to live this long with this much pain. I have learned how to self-evaluate what things work for me, so I don’t continue taking things where the risk or the cost can be too high for the benefit… or lack thereof!
The one thing that keeps me going is Alfi, he is my hero. I am literally hanging on by a hair at the moment between the pain from my fibro being constantly stuck in flare mode and this anxiety and panic attack thing that still feels so new and so much like a living death. It’s scary when the hair you are hanging on by is a dogs hair. He keeps pulling me back from the edge but it is beginning to scare me that Alfi is my link to life. When did my attachment to life become so small?